Subtle or less obvious losses can also cause strong feelings of grief, even though those around you may not know the extent of your feelings. Some examples include:
Predictable losses, like those due to terminal illness, sometimes allow more time to prepare for the loss. However, they create two layers of grief: the grief related to the anticipation of the loss and the grief related to the loss itself.
The length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process should not be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates, holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss. Taking care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during these times are ways that can help you cope.
You may not be aware of how your own cultural background affects your grief process. Talking with family, friends or clergy is one way to strengthen your awareness of possible cultural influences in your life. Friends and family may be able to help you generate ideas to create your own rituals. Some have found solace in creating their own unconventional ceremonies, such as a funeral or ceremony with personal friends in a private setting.
You may want to experiment with these ideas or create a list of your own. Talking to friends who have dealt with loss in the past can help you identify new ways of coping. Only you know what works best with your personality and lifestyle. One way to examine your own style of coping is to recall the ways you've dealt with painful times in the past. It's important to note that some ways of coping with grief are helpful, like talking to others or writing in a journal. Others may be hurtful or destructive to the healing process, like abusing substances or isolating yourself. Healthy coping skills are important in resolving a loss and helping you move forward in the healing process.
People who are grieving are likely to fluctuate between wanting some time to themselves and wanting closeness with others. They may want someone to talk to about their feelings. Below are some ways that you can help a friend experiencing loss.
Traditional Grief Reactions
When experiencing grief, it is common to:
Grief as a Process of Healing
It is important to note that the grief process is not linear but is more often experienced in cycles. Grief is sometimes compared to climbing a spiral staircase where things can look and feel like you are just going in circles, yet you are actually making progress. Being patient with the process and allowing yourself to have any feelings about the loss can help. If you feel stuck in your grief, talking to a counselor or a supportive person may help you move forward in the healing process.
Culture, Rituals, and Ceremonies
Your cultural background can affect how you understand and approach the grief process. Some cultures anticipate a time to grieve and have developed rituals to help people through the grief process. Grief rituals and ceremonies acknowledge the pain of loss while also offering social support and a reaffirmation of life.
Coping With Grief
Each one of us has an individual style of coping with painful experiences. The list below may help you generate ideas about how to manage your feelings of grief.
Suporting Others Who Are Grieving
As the shock of the loss fades, there is a tendency on the part of the griever to feel more pain and sadness. Well-meaning friends may avoid discussing the subject due to their own discomfort with grief or their fear of making the person feel bad. As a result, people who are grieving often feel more isolated or lonely in their grief.
To One In Sorrow
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in -- I would be very still beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief. Let me come in -- and hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
-Grace Noll Crowell
Resources
UT Austin Counseling and Mental Health Center: 512-471-3515
Crisis Resources
Austin Center for Attitudinal Healing (support for individuals and families experiencing serious illness, grief, or loss):
512-327-1961
For the Love of Christi (grief support program for those that have lost a loved one): 512-467-2600
Samaritan Center for Counseling and Pastoral Care (interfaith counseling center): 512-451-7337
South Austin Hospital Spiritual Care Department: 512 816 7198
Project Transitions (serving people with HIV and AIDS): 877-969-0010
First Candle (grief support following the death of an infant): 800-221-7437
The Compassionate Friends (grief support after the death of a child): 877-969-0010
Hospice Austin (end-of-life care): 512-342-4700
Reading List
Many of the books listed below can be found at UT Libraries.
How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H. & McWilliams, P. Prelude Press (1993)
Companion to Grief by Kelley, P. New York: Simon & Schuster (1997).
When Someone You Love is Dying by Kopp, R. & Sorenson, S. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan (1985).
When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Kushner, Harold Schocken Books (1981).
Learning to Say Good-bye: When a Parent Dies by LeShan, Eda New York: Avon (1988).
Remembering With Love: Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving and Beyond. by Levang, E. & Ilse, S. Minneapolis, MN: Deaconess Press (1992).
Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by D. Greenberger & C.A. Padesky (New York: The Guilford Press, 1995).
Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to a New Life After Losing Someone You Love by Neeld, E. New York: Delacorte (1992).
How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies by Rando, Therese New York: Bantam (1991).
Beyond Grief: A Guide for Recovering From the Death of a Loved One. by Staudacher, C. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger (1987).
Necessary Losses by Viorst, Judith New York: Fawcett Gold Medal (1986).
Understanding Grief: Helping Yourself Heal by Wolfelt, Alan Muncie, IN: Accelerated Development (1992).
The Journey Through Grief by Wolfelt, Alan Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press. (1997).